Chess Doper

coffee I think I’m a chess doper. This is my confession.
 
I really believed in Lance. There was no way the French could have tested a Texan so many times and not found anything if he were doping. Ok, maybe he doped, like once, but nothing systematic. The guy was transfusing his own blood, hooked up to a rural French motel room wall, back into his depleted body. EPO gave him more oxygen. Testosterone fixed all the wounds from the day before. His teammates sang “Purple Haze”: EPO all in my veins Lately things just don’t seem the same Actin’ funny, but I don’t know why Excuse me why I pass this guy. Then I realized they all did it. Michael Phelps too, that one really hurt. I’ve been doping with caffeine all of my adult life. I didn’t always think of it that way. It was just something everyone else did. But I will tell you now. I play better on that juice. I think better. I use it when I write too. The worst part: when they finally do start testing for it, I will try to get around the rules. Here’s the proof: there’s a no coffee policy in the library I go to, but I sneak it in every time. I feel entitled – as I think Lance did. Besides, everyone else is doing it. I haven’t tried Adderal or Ritalin yet. But that’s just because I’m so old that my circle of friends doesn’t have a connection. All the young kids say it’s the bomb. I know they are on the stuff when I play against them. I see it in their faces. I’m not sure I even blame them. If I could use a drug that would help me think like Kramnik for a couple hours – well, it would be crazy not to try. My generation used drugs to hurt ourselves. Drugs and alcohol mostly. It was a social thing. The new drugs are all about helping you become whoever you want to be. I’m unfortunately too old to truly be part of this controversy. But I have this much self-knowledge: I would do it. I wouldn’t do it to win, though maybe it would evolve into that, I would do it so that I could really talk to my pieces.

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